Face your fears.
It's an age old concept, and being a person with OCD living with two clinical psychologists as parents, one I've been exposed to often.
It's told to us often throughout our lives, referring to many different fears. Heights, spiders, you name it. But many people have secret fears that nobody encourages them to face because they don't know to.
Last week I faced one of those secret fears when I got my seconds done (second set of ear piercing). It's not an uncommon thing for people my age to do, but what many don't know is that I have an obsession with the idea of contamination. If I get so much as a paper cut I obsess over it getting infected, so the idea of letting a strange inserting a foreign object into my ear lobes terrifies me. However, I love the look of piercings and have always envied my friends who freely pierce themselves and look fabulous. So, after a conversation with my mum about getting back into more exposure therapy (basically 'face your fears' on steroids) I decided to go get them done.
Sitting in the chair watching the lady sterilise her gun and put on rubber gloves, I was terrified. I was even more terrified afterwards as I bought four bottles of antiseptic spray, knowing I'd use well more than necessary, as I thought of bacteria invading my body. I was more scared for the next week as I envisioned a severe infection beginning in my ears, flowing through my bloodstream and leaving me brain damaged. When my left ear became red and swollen five days later, I was completely petrified.
But then, my anxiety began to lessen. Not quickly, not completely. But a bit. And then a bit more. And then, I realised that as much as I fear contamination, as much as I fear germs and disasters happening and I fear being a terrible person, I also fear being afraid. I try so hard to avoid triggers and stay away from anything that will upset me that I never have a chance to face those fears.
Today, I'm not much less afraid of the idea of contaminating my bloodstream as I was before getting my piercings. However, I am happy and proud that I faced that fear and took a step in the direction of recovery and self-determination.
