God? Are you there?

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,
And day after day have sorrow in my heart?

I read Psalm 13 about 10 times last night. It was one of those nights.

As I read the words above, all I could do was cry and get angry at God. I sympathised with David when he wrote the Psalm, with that feeling of knowing God is there but not understanding why He does not take away the pain. Why some seem to go their entire lives with no real problems while others  experience troubles, abandonment and heartbreak their entire lives. Why some are born into wealth, love and opportunity while others never experience anything more than poverty, sickness and hatred.
Why he lets some people experience joy and happiness while others quietly die inside.

These are the questions that run through my mind and the ones I cannot answer. However, as I was upset and feeling angry at God last night, I realised what a significant step I had taken. For a while during my struggles, I had stopped thinking about and talking to God altogether. I was almost at the point of denying His existence, because I just couldn't comprehend how someone that amazing and loving could exist while there was such hurt in the world. I realise now, as much as I struggle, I am turning to anger towards Him, an acknowledgement of His power and control. At the moment, I think this is as good as it will get.

Hello there, people of the internet!

Hello there.

So this is my first blog entry, and despite having countless ideas running through my head all night about what I wanted to write about, I'm now sitting here staring at the computer screen, and my mind is completely blank.

I suppose I'll use this first post as an opportunity to introduce myself. 

I am (not really) Rose. 

I am in Year 11 and at a point in my life where things are really not going the way I want them to.

I have Tourette Syndrome, OCD, anxiety, depression and insomnia (yay). I do not want this blog to be solely focused on these issues, because I am more than my conditions. However, as they are a very significant aspect of my life right now, it is likely they will frequently make their way into posts.

I love to read. Reading is an escape for me, it gives me the chance to break away from reality for a short period of times. 

I love cats. It's a bit ridiculous really, but I am much happier at home with my two beautiful, fluffy babies than out socialising. Call me a hermit, whatever.

I also love babies, chocolate, the feeling of freshly washed hair, Schweppes Pink Lemonade and the smell of hairspray.

I dislike mushrooms, football, maths, the feeling of being ignored, Monday mornings, buses, Ask.fm, fights, gory movies, nights, mosquitos, ignorant people, lemon squash, odd numbers and hot weather.

I spend most of my time at home; studying, reading, online,making lists, studying, doing homework, writing, worrying, counting, listening to music, cooking, writing.

I am a Christian. This is an important one. The past few months my faith has been shaky, but I know I am and always will be a child of God.

I am strong. I am weak, and I am strong, and then I am weak. I am together and I am a mess. I am lost and I am found. Mostly lost. I am struggling, but I am not defined by my labels. Yes, I have several neurological and psychological disorders, but they are not me. I have them, not the other way around. I am not Rose with Tourette's and OCD, I am Rose who loves her friends and enjoys reading and wants to write for the rest of her life. 

I hope that people actually read this blog. I’m not going to use my, or anyone I talk about’s real name as a matter of privacy.

I’m not really sure how to end this… but I’ll be back soon to share more of my life.